Q: I’m after some help with my sex life. My sexual desire is at an all time low and I haven’t had an orgasm for AGES. How can I get back to feeling sexy, sensual, empowered and hot? I feel like I’m dead in my second chakra.

Spring isn’t Coming, UK

Dear Spring isn’t Coming, thanks for reaching out. I know it can feel scary when our sex drives change, especially when it seems like everyone is having mind blowing sex. First things first – collect information. What has been going in your life? Has life been particularly stressful? Have you been going through some major life changes? Are you dealing with any health problems, mental or physical, that may be impacting your libido? These factors can affect our sex drives, but when we are going through these big changes we often don’t have the perspective to give ourselves a break and turn a lack of sex (either with oneself or others) into another stick to beat ourselves up with. So please, please be kind and patient with yourself and seek professional help if needed.

What is empowering to know is that you can take responsibility to discover what turns you on (and make it fun in the process). So often, we turn our sexual power over to a lover, expecting them to turn us on and satisfy us yet don’t take the time to discover what makes us tick sexually. What are you doing in your day to day life to cultivate pleasure and to turn yourself on? Pleasure is like exercise or a meditation practise, we need to regularly flex our pleasure muscles (literally and figuratively). It’s not about going from zero to sixty as quickly as possible, but what are some small steps you can implement to get you in the ‘zone’ of arousal? Does the scent of paint make you feel inexplicably receptive to pleasure? Wearing velvet? Listening to Rachmaninov? Going to an art gallery? Get curious and treat exploring your sexuality like a fun investigation. How about reading some erotic literature or watching an erotic film? I recommend reading Delta of Venus by Anais Nin and watching Henry & June by Philip Kaufman (based on Anais Nin’s journals on her relationship with Henry Miller and his wife June).

As I’m sure you know, the female orgasm is very different from male orgasm. I’m no expect in the science of orgasms but this focus on orgasming/ coming/ releasing being the focus of sex is macho masculine in it’s nature. Women are so lucky that we are multi-orgasmic, but I’m going to challenge you to make the focus of your self-love sessions on pleasure and feeling turned on rather than chasing an orgasm. My most pleasurable solo self-love sessions are when I’ve come (!) from a place of exploration, curiosity and have time on my side. I know what it’s like to feel that “I need an orgasm” feeling and reach for the vibrator (which I’m not knocking) but I personally find in those sessions, I’m anxiously waiting for a physical response, I haven’t given my body and mind time to warm up and connect and I’m far too focused on the outcome than the process.  How about lying back and giving yourself the gift of a self massage? I learnt this exercise from Betsy Blankenbaker. Start from your fingers and caress up your arm, slowly, slowly and continue over entire body. Really take your time, close your eyes, bring awareness to the sensations on your skin, in your finger tips. See how feather light you can skim your skin. You may well discover a new erogenous zone. You can also apply the same love and devotion to your vulva, circling it gently with your finger tips, as light as you can touch. Use a good lubricant while you explore (I’m a fan of Yes Organic lube). You could even try some empowering affirmations whilst stroking your vulva “I am a sensual goddess”, “I delight in sacred pleasure”, “I am powerful and creative” and “I love my pussy/vulva/yoni/whatever word you like to use” and visualise your creative, sexy, sensual energy pooling around vulva.

Read Autobiography of an Orgasm by Betsy Blankenbaker. Betsy’s strength, honesty and devotion to reclaiming and healing her relationship with pleasure will inspire you. She is a true gentle warrior goddess. I can also recommend Extended Massive Orgasm by Steve Bodansky and Vera Bodansky – the tumidity exercise may be of interest. Be kind to yourself, go easy on yourself and devote a small slice of your day to your pleasure.



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Image: ‘Sleeping Venus’ by Giorgione. Source: Google Art Project.